Children are not leverage

It really does not take a Harvard Graduate or Rocket Scientist to figure out that children have a high level of stress in their little lives without their parents and other family members adding to it. How difficult is it really to keep conflict behind closed doors or even to find the common sense to discuss differences in a calm and reasonable manner?


I truly understand that parents are going to have a difference of opinion on a multitude of levels. Everything from how their homework is completed to how to discipline them. It is human nature that we all have ideas and goals for our children, but why can’t parents negotiate a reasonable child rearing agreement?

Too many times I’ve heard one or the other parent use time with the children as a means of getting what they want. Who do they think really pays for this ridiculous notion? When divorce is inevitable, who do these parents think is really hurting during this time?

When two people decide that they cannot live together, why do they think that the children need to divorce one or other parent? Are you really so selfish to think that the mother or father isn’t capable of loving their child/children the same as they done while you were living together?

Put this into your equation: Your child has been visiting with your ex-spouse every other weekend for the last six years, listening to you talk about how much you despise that person and listening to you degrade them for the last six years. Suddenly, your child is at an age to decide for themselves who really is the bad parent, and it’s you. Instead of taking responsibility for all of the nasty things you said and done over the years, you blame the other parent for turning your child against you.

I have been divorced twice and have one child from each marriage. I have shared custody with both fathers because my philosophy was that they were just as much responsible for bringing those children into the world as I was, therefore, they are just as much responsible for the upbringing of each child.

Judges and attorneys love it when two people fight, that means that they have a job to do. In fewer words, it’s job security for them. They don’t give two shits about your child’s welfare or their happiness. That’s your job! If you are constantly bickering over stupid crap like who is going to get the good china; who is it that is looking after the happiness of your child??

As far as child support goes, are you not as financially responsible for that child as the other parent? Why is it that some parents think of their children as means for a paycheck?? Work out a schedule for who pays what and when on an equal basis. Yes, it can be done.

It pains me to think of the mother’s out there who are solely caring for a child without the presence of the father and in today’s times it’s becoming more so that the father is caring for the child without the presence of the mother. Why can’t we have equal parenting time?

One last final thought, talk to your children. Ask them what they think and how they feel. They aren’t much different than you and I; they have opinions and should be free to express them. As their parent, you should listen intently and consider what they think and feel. That is responsible parenting.

Our Rights and Being Responsible Parents

I can remember as a child hearing the phrase, "Honesty is the best policy" more than once.  Usually it was at that time of your young life when you are trying to understand exactly what the word "Honesty" meant.

Recently while I was on Facebook and reading through all of the garbage that sometimes gets mixed in with time worthy content, I stumbled upon a poll in regards to the recent talk of repealing our right to bear arms. 

That subject alone is enough to warrant a blog, but I found something else there that I felt compelled to write about.  There were comments that used language that some may find offensive, but in today's world that's difficult to do.  In response to those comments were postings bringing that language to everyone's attention.

Two of such comments were, "There are children reading these polls, is that language really necessary?" and my favorite, "This is no place for children!! Any parent that lets under age (18) view this site is f*****g irresponsible!!"

My first comment here is that yes there are children reading those polls and some of the responses could use a filter.  However, this is a very emotional issue for some people.  Especially those people who believe in upholding what our country was founded upon; our constitution.  Then there was the last comment.  I can understand your concern for what your children read and see on the internet, but then you have to go and ruin the moment by using the exact language that you were condemning.

My 14 year old daughter uses Facebook quite frequently and I can tell you that she does find that language offensive, but she has the good sense to turn her head or leave the page that contains those things.  The point is this, you should be responsible enough to be honest with your kids about why a subject like repealing our constitutional rights could bring out the worst in some people.  You should be responsible enough to know that leading by example is a far better quality and more noble than contradicting yourself.

Let's be really honest with ourselves and realize that as humans we often get emotionally involved in certain aspects of life.  I know that it is very difficult for me to keep my composure to a certain degree when it comes to taking away my child's right to say a prayer before lunch, removing the Pledge of Allegiance because it contains the phrase "Under God" and that if the government feels that they can repeal the second amendment of the Constitution of the United States, what amendment is next, my freedom of speech?  Perhaps it will be the freedom of press?

Wake up people!!  Your children hear and see things that are inappropriate everyday.  If they hear and see it from you, what difference does it make if they read it on a social networking site?

Our rights are slowly being taken away from us, look around and you'll see it.  If you don't want to see it, then read about it!  Be honest with yourself and your kids, let them know that by the time they are adults, they may not be able to enjoy the same freedoms that you did and that it upsets you.

Have a voice that counts for something.   

My reflection of 2009

Starting with January, I moved back to my hometown hoping for a refreshing and new beginning to the year. My husband and I moved into a small two bedroom mobile home which we furnished by frequenting household auctions and purchasing antiques and more artistic pieces.

February and March were interesting months. We pulled RV campers across the United States and Canada which afforded us the opportunity see many things and places that we probably would never had the funds or desire to see. We saw some things that took our breath away and we saw some things that left us speechless because of it's beauty or because of the lack of care that some people possess.

In April, my father passed away unexpectedly in a traffic accident in Nebraska while traveling to Utah. A man that loved whole heartedly and lived life to its absolute fullness who had taught me so many things and was in the prime of his life was gone and all I could do was pick up all of his responsibilities and see them through with no time to grieve. Three weeks later, my mother called to tell me that her husband was leaving her.

May through September held so many events that left our heads spinning and wondering what in the world we could had done to deserve so many misfortunes.

My husband lost his job, his oldest daughter accused him of doing things to her that was impossible given our schedule of visitation and that our three other children were always present and adamantly profess that nothing happened. Fighting with insurance companies to do their jobs when they asked for unheard of documentation to prove that a man lost his life and taking more than six months to pay out for accidental death policies.

October through December still fighting CPS on a he said - she said case in which I realized that a stepmother has no rights and will not be heard, nor will the two children that she has. All the while the entire family is torn into pieces emotionally.

Christmas came and went. At least two of the children were smiles, hugging their stepfather who tries so hard to fight back tears and anger. A six year old boy and 13 year old girl sat on the floor at our feet and told us how much they loved us and that was the best gift in the world that anyone could have ever asked for.

My best friend of nearly 30 years asked me what my husband bought me for Christmas. I laughed and she sat seriously awaiting my response. I told her that we both decided that we wouldn't buy gifts for eachother because we had legal fees to tend to and more importantly utility bills and everyday responsibilities.

We spent most of the year living on the tax refunds that we received at the beginning of the year and the paychecks that we had socked away for a long overdue vacation that we could never take, the small amount of money that I made from my photography career and writing career.

Sitting on the sofa after my exhusband picked up our son and my daughter has left for the next three days to spend that time with her father, I reflect on our "series of unfortunate events" and realize that through all of this that I still have the ability to fill my lungs with air and exhale slowly. I fully comprehend the severity of the things that have plagued us and still can smile when someone says something witty.

Through all of the things that have happened this year, we were able to love all of our children to the fullest of abilities. We were able to hold eachother and most importantly were able to keep hope alive.

I have always been able to pull myself from the ashes when things go wrong. I have always been able to find a way to smile after dusting myself and stand tall in the face adversity. Depression? (Laughs out loud) Who has time to be depressed?

When someone asks "How do you keep your sanity?" I ask them what they are talking about because this is life. Nothing ever goes like it's suppose to and if it does, well, praise God because it probably wasn't suppose to.